Ah, summertime, the season who’s famed easiness of living was immortalized by Gershwin before most everyone under 35 heard that Sublime song and got very confused. It’s the time of sunburns, cicadas, and room temperature juice boxes, the season where patriotic Americans get hopped up on nine dollar Miller Lites and yell obscenities at chaw-filled baseballers. It’s the season that goes from an annual respite from the dregs of public schooling to the season where you’re in an office with especially fecund testicular perspiration.

But summer’s also the season of weddings. Breadbucket has been to oodles this year, good friends all, and has managed to comport itself with sophistication and valor. When you’re a certain age, wedding season takes the place of traditional vacation; where once you would’ve taken a few weeks off to attend a Furry convention, you’re now spreading that time out over weekends, bachelor parties, and Men’s Wearhouseseses. It’s a good problem though. Who needs to go to another gathering of overly sexual mascots when you could be there supporting your friends and gifting them magarita glasses they’ll never remove from the box?

So today, we here at Breadbucket ponder the trappings of the modern wedding. Specifically, rings and planning. We swear: that’s funnier than it sounds.

Oh look! Trudy Meets Her Wedding Planner.

Oh look! De Beers Gives Back to the Community With New Line of Diamonds.

Sometimes, you need a person to inform you which gym machine to use. It’s a hard job, one which involves telling someone else to bench press something or staring at them while they are bench pressing something and telling them they’re doing it wrong. A task this arduous naturally involves years of schooling, difficult standardized testing, and a long, thankless internship at Crunch. Then and only then can you tell a suburban day trader that his glutes would look better if he cut the avocado out of his diet.

Today, we examine the growing and lucrative field of guys who tell you why you aren’t as swollen as they are and how you could be that swoll if you only spent ten to twelve hours a day in the gym. Behind fire fighters, nurses, and teachers, they are America’s most precious resource. It’s about time we honored their sacrifices.

Life is hard. Be harder. Learn How To Lift Things Up Heavy Things And Put Them Back Down In Sequence.

Then, turn on the video disc player and watch Laugh the Pounds Away: How To Get Ripped Like Carrot Top! An Instructional DVD.

Historical Role Playing, often termed Creative Anachronism, may not be familiar to our readership of lorgnette-wearing sophisticates. We understand that you may not have time in your busy day to set aside your chalices of ambergris and gold-embossed 16th century literature to learn about your lessers. Please then, allow us to explain.

Creative Anachronism is the phrase used to describe what is commonly referred to as the Renaissance Fair. It’s a collection of people who meet in a predetermined place to behave as if they were alive in the Middle Ages. It’s a place where table-top role playing aficionados can act towards their basest instincts, get their hair braided, and pretend they’d be really good at fucking up a dragon. It’s a Gathering of the Juggalos for people who enjoy calling beer “mead.”

Today, we look at those well-meaning folks who retreat into a time of horribly oppressive lords for the sake of relaxation. And because it’s similar in an I-don’t-understand-you-nostalgic-weirdos sort of way, we also take a short peek at the bizarro world of Civil War Reenactment.

Please. If you’re going to attend our festival, sign the Nondisclosure Agreement for the Renaissance Faire of Suffolk County.

For those with shorter attention spans, there is also the Top 10 Slogans for the Southern Rebels Civil War Reenactment Society.